What to Say

We all have, or will have, friends and relatives suffering from something.  It can be cancer, a heart attack, accident, job loss, diverse, or some other catastrophe and we want to show our support.  Unfortunately finding the correct words can be almost impossible or worse yet, we don’t know how bad the words are.  This can be even harder if you are close, like an Uncle or Aunt.  Let me try to help.

You see I had a heart attack once, my Wife has cancer, both my parents have died, the son of a friend was killed in a traffic, accident and another committed suicide so I have been around grief a few times and learned from both the good and bad approaches.  Hopefully I can help you help someone else and yourself at the same time.

First, don’t tell them about someone who died from the same disease.  There really is nothing worse, when confronted with your own mortality, to hear about people who didn’t make it.  Or, when grieving over the loss of a loved one to find out that their death is no more than a notch on your scorecard.  It does not make them feel good.  Please, don’t do it.

Second, don’t tell them about your own sickness.  Think about this for a second.  There they are stricken with leukemia and you are telling them about your dysentery.  Not at all comforting.

Third, while you can and should give them words of encouragement don’t refer to them as a “survivor”.  Of course letting them know they will survive is a good thing but don’t replace their life long identity with something that will always remind them of their illness.  Wait a while.  When they are comfortable with their ability to reach the future they will let you know that they are a “survivor” and then you can feel good and use it yourself.

The idea is to put yourself in their place, let them know they have your support and the two of you will always share the same relationship you had before.  Something along the lines of “I just heard you were sick (they know the what the illness is so you don’t have to repeat it) and wanted to remind you that if there is anything I can do just let me know,  Need a ride somewhere, some shopping done, want me to cook something up so you only have to heat it?  All I ask is that you make me a list of the drugs they give you that give a good buzz.”  The drug comment is only for laughs but if you don’t feel good with it then use “if they give you anything that helps real quick please let the Browns know because I have a lot of money riding on the Steelers game Sunday.”  This can also be left on call-waiting or written in a card.  By the way, if you are sending a card then write something of your own or be counted as one of those people who are just being polite.

What I mean is let them know you care, that you want to help and they can count on you, that you are a source of encouragement, and that your relationship will always continue.