Save the Chocolate Biscotti

Sometime around Christmas Starbucks discontinued offering their Chocolate Biscotti.  It was there, then they replaced it with something they said was seasonal, and now it is gone.  The employees I have talked to didn’t even know it was discontinued, they thought it was just temporarily unavailable (you know, a biscotti that is misplaced in a storage building wouldn’t taste much different).  Sounds like they were lied to.

I think it is a conspiracy.  A conspiracy to ruin the health of Americans.  Everybody knows that Chocolate is basically a health food.  It’s a bean, beans are vegetables, and vegetables give us better health hence Starbucks is attempting to make Americans sick.

Maybe Jamie Lee Curtis is involved.  You know she does those Activia commercials, Activia makes you poop, dark chocolate is a laxative.  Come to think of it our soldiers are given dark chocolate it C Rations for that very purpose.  Damn, Starbucks and Curtis may not support our troops.  This is downright un-American.

Maybe it is an anti-Italian thing. You know, biscotti is Italian, the best chocolate is from Italy ,  Oh, where have you gone Joe DiMaggio.

I asked my Sister-In-Law Carol and she agrees with me.  Carol knows everything there is to know about chocolate in fact when she eats some she can tell you what farm in Ghana it came from.  She has a relationship with chocolate that may be illegal in Southern states.  I think they still have a restraining order against her in Hershey , PA.  Can’t come closer than Pettsville.   When she found that chocolate had the same type fat as olive oil she mixed it with vinegar and water and poured it on lettuce and tomatoes.  Anyway Carol told me:

1.       Chocolate may prevent acne.  She also said it may not since the Pennsylvania School of Medicine and the U.S. Naval Academy have determined chocolate has nothing to do with acne so you may as well eat it.

2.       It contains oleic acid and mono-unsaturated fat which may raise HDL (good cholesterol).

3.       Chocolate has been prescribed for people with tuberculosis.

4.       While eating large amounts can cause you to put on pounds, some people have hot chocolate before meals to curb their appetite and an English firm had good results by having patients sniff a chocolate aroma patch before they ate.

5.       1.5 oz of milk chocolate contains 15% of your daily Riboflavin need, 9% of calcium, 7% of iron, and 3 grams of protein.  It’s a fricken “health food”.

6.       A Harvard University study claims that men who eat chocolate live 1 year longer than their counterparts.  I’m sure that men who don’t eat chocolate feel like they live 10 years longer.

7.       Some doctors, especially in Mexico , prescribe chocolate for bronchitis.

8.       Chocolate can be used in the treatment of bee stings.

9.       While beer has been making the opposite sex good looking for centuries only chocolate gets you close enough for it to matter.

10.   The chemicals in chocolate can mimic the effects of marijuana but you have to eat 25 lb at one sitting to get high.

11.   According to the Mayo Clinic chocolate contains flavonoids which can be beneficial in cardiovascular health.

12.   Chocolate contains antioxidants which may prevent or delay certain damages to the body’s cells and tissues.

So, you see, chocolate is great for you and starbucks has discontinued selling chocolate biscotti’s so they must be against us being healthy.  It’s a travesty.

Now, what to do.  Do what I did and send them an e-mail demanding that they bring back the chocolate biscotti.  If you don’t know what to say just cut and past the following paragraph.  Then tell your friends and when Starbucks hears from enough people I’m sure they will do what is right.

DON’T just forward this entire post to them because they will never get it.  Remember, they are a corporation and while the Supreme Court thinks they are human, corporations have no sense of humor.  Just listen to a Utility or Gas company.  Their address is info@Starbucks.com

********

Subject:  Chocolate Biscotti

Dear Star Buck,

I want to make America healthy.  As far as I’m concerned chocolate is a “vegetable” and thus a “health food”.  It is being researched by the Mayo Clinic, Pennsylvania School of Medicine, U. S. Naval Academy, Harvard University, and Uncle Bob’s R & D Factory and Auto Garage for it’s effects on health.  So far we know that chocolate may or may not cure bronchitis, lower bad cholesterol, help fight heart disease and cancer, reduce obesity, and make people horny and regular.

One of the best sources of chocolate is in your “chocolate biscotti” which you have discontinued.  I’m asking that you help make America healthy and bring back the “chocolate biscotti”.

Thank you

***********

Thank you for joining me in the important effort to make America healthy by bringing back the chocolate biscotti.  A chocolate biscotti is the least they can do for a $3+ cup of coffee.

Take care

Ed

PS: that stuff about my Sister-In-Law wasn’t all true.  She does love chocolate more than anyone I know but she is allowed everywhere in Pennsylvania (though as a Clevelander she stays away from Pittsburgh) and has the sense of humor to appreciate mine.